As a special gift to BallinEurope readers on this holiest of international holidays, BiE today brings you a truly exclusive one-of-a-kind interview with a legend. The man needs no introduction and it would be impossible to encapsulate his numerous towering achievements with a finite number of words, but BiE will try anyway.

Calvin Stadiums was born in 1981 in Northern South Carolina (east of Northern Georgia); he played a lot of basketball after that and by now his accomplishments can fill two Hall of Fame plaques with enough impressive statistical data to also produce a handy pamphlet to give to people upon entrance. Among his many many many achievements, Stadiums has amassed 25,985 points to go with six MVP awards and is the all-time leader in blocked shots among guards. He’s also known as the greatest trash-talker who ever played the game.

BiE has no idea why Calvin Stadiums took 10 minutes out of his valuable time to give this interview, but we must thank the basketball gods and professional blogger/actorer Brian Spaeth for making it all possible. Enjoy with BiE’s best wishes for a Happy Sizdah Bedar and a Joyeux Poisson d’Avril!

BallinEurope: Wow. Just wow.
Calvin Stadiums: Thank you. I have noted you know things about Europe. That is wonderful.

In a career of spectacular achievements, what do you consider your most spectacular and your least spectacular?
My most spectacular achievement is everything I have ever done. My least spectacular, when I failed to save a man from choking on a piece of milkshake.

This failure was an on-purpose failure, and thus does not count. In any case, the power with which I attempted to save this person’s life was spectacular, taken on its own.

Nobody has ever known of this story before today, because the entire event took place in my luxury basement. This was July of 2003, and it was 47 degrees outside.

You have the biggest and most loyal following the game has ever seen. Your fans’ devotion to you is positively cult-like. What do you think elicits such adoration among your disciples … i mean, worshippers … i mean, *fans*?
Your attempt to create a verbal and/or written description for my charisma is amusing. That you would even consider this can be done is offensive.

Your life off the court is almost as incredible as your play on it: Basketball superhero at times, international playboy at others, your life has been summed up as “like Batman, except without bats or a bat-themed car or other bat-themed accessories.” How do you maintain your voluminous modesty while living such a lifestyle?
You are mistaken. I am aloof and detached. Everyone loves me, both in concept and reality.

I understand you’re a pretty good player of Cards. Ever play Michael Jordan?
I have beaten Michael at Cards by a score of 143-8. Nobody has ever come so close in a game of Cards. He is an interesting man, and I address him by his middle name at his request. It is Jeffrey.

What will you do when you retire from playing in the NBA? Would you ever consider playing in Europe, say in the Spaghetti League? And after your basketball career is over, do you have a greater destiny?
The SBL is a laughable organization at best. When I retire from my basketball playing, it will be to move on to other things. These things that I will move on to are predetermined, and include very exciting secrets for me to share with myself.

You habitually dominate the NBA’s annual One-on-One tournament on All-Star Weekend. Could anyone in all of space and time beat you in a game of one-on-one?

But on YouTube, there’s a clip of this chucker with a horrible crazy jump hook named Merri Sherman (the chucker’s named Merri Sherman, not the jump hook) scoring 25 straight points on you in a game of one-on-one…
What is a YouTube Chucker? Is this a broadband online website? The SBL is a laughable organization at best. No other comments. Good day, friend.

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