The Onion, the US-based news source that once famously readjusted Dirk Nowitzki’s stats by current exchange rates, this week reports on a University of Central Florida study showing that Europe’s NBA players are a breed apart, aesthetically speaking.
The entire story is mercilessly pinched from The Onion sports pages and runs below the break. (Open letter to Onion editors: Dear Onion Editors, Please don’t sue me. I have no money anyway. Yours, Os Davis.)
(Onion Sports Network) – According to a report published this week by the University of Central Florida’s Institute for Diversity and Ethics in Sport, for the eighth straight season, the highest percentage of bizarre and unconventional-looking NBA players continue to be of European descent. “If a team is in need of a solid player with nasty hair, droopy eyes, a patchy beard, and a starkly pale body, Europe is the place to go,” said Brian Fisher, the director of the university’s study. “Over the years, it has consistently provided some of the weirdest-looking people the league has ever seen: Gheorghe Muresan, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Hedo Turkoglu, and Pau Gasol, just to name a few. Oh, and Dirk Nowitzki. How could we forget that goofy-looking guy?” Though European players occupied 25 of the report’s 30 spots, Chris Bosh was named weirdest-looking player in the NBA for the fifth straight year.