Update: I like my intro but…this isn’t a community station, it’s an actual real-life commercial operation. What were they thinking?
Community media has its upsides, volunteer radio and TV stations keep people informed about what is going in their locality and gives groups and clubs who get limited, if any, mainstream attention a forum. Across Ireland, I’ve helped out a bunch of these organisations in order to talk hoops, sports, tech, and beer. None of them have, in my experience, delivered a sports piece that managed to top Boom Goes The Dynamite. Step forward Latest TV in Brighton, UK.
0.11 – Wow that’s a lot of bluescreen
0.15 – They are discussing the quality of their time during the ad-break but at least we have established that one of them is called Tatiana, this will come in handy as we proceed.
0.37 – “Not the most intense defence there from Worthing Thunder” says Nameless Man, hammering home the stereotype that the most damning form of criticism in Britain is that said mildly and politely. I should warn our British readers, Nameless Man is going to do nothing to change the views of people whose only experience of your culture is Downton Abbey.
0.42 – “Swiiiiish”…why did we have to see highlights here, I demand to see Nameless Man’s face while he gleefully says this.
0.50 – “It’s not quite a slam dunk, is it Jay?”, an astute observation by Not Tatiana that a lay-up is indeed different to a slam dunk. We have also established that Nameless Man is called Jay. Thus ensues a brief but vigourous debate on the appreciation of dunking where Not Tatiana goes all in.
0.56 – “I like a slam dunk da funk”…oh my everything she just referenced 5ive. Nameless Man/Jay appreciates this an repeats the line. Who are 5ive? Oh you had to ask.
You brought that on yourself and we’re barely a minute in. Back to the car crash.
1.11 – “That very tall individual playing for Worthing Thunder.” I was going to give Nameless Man/Jay a mulligan here because hey, maybe Worthing didn’t send him the details, but there is literally NO reason to use such a generic term to identify the player. Skip, avoid, anything but that line.
1.21 – “He could have gone for the dunk but he sort of decided against it.” Jay has earned the loss of Nameless Man at this stage. He’s going all-in and he just doesn’t care. If only he had shown such hustle in preparing before going on air.
I know, you’re loving Jay, he’s adorably English while not very good but he’s about to break your heart.
1.50 – “Oh that was nice, that was a good one”…I honestly have no idea is this Tatiana or Not Tatiana but Jay, Jay-man, can I call you the Jayster? You can’t follow that up with a snarky “A good one? A good what?” Recap time Jay, 39 seconds before this exchange you called someone “That very tall individual playing for Worthing Thunder”, you don’t get to snark. Jayce and the Wheel Warriors we are so done with you man.
Ok, that was traumatic, wait there’s another 3 minutes left? What else could possibly go wrong?
2.09 – Finally a dunk, what Latest TV has craved for so long, here comes Jay “How do we feel about that?” forgetting that this isn’t a group therapy session.
2.16 – “Chest bumps are a necessity as far as I’m concerned” Jay makes a strong statement which he qualifies in stereotypical polite English way…he may be winning us back.
2.25 – This sequence is joyous
Jay: “Worthing Thunder, big fan of the lay-up”
Tatiana…I think, okay maybe that wasn’t as good an identifier as I thought: “Yes they are.”
Tatiana: “See it quite often don’t you?”
We have established that a basketball team is prone to lay-ups.
2.56 – The culmination of a stretch where the hosts recognise that one number is considerably bigger than the rest ends with Jay finally showing some venom in his tone, while keeping that super polite thing going with his words “Annihilation, I think is the word.”
3.11 – “That’s my favourite, the alley-oop.” followed by “I just really like an alley-oop.” Jaycerotops, you’ve got a chance here. Either Tatiana or Not Tatiana is going to respond to this, will you go snark or will you win us back. Get ready…
3.19 – IT’S BOTH OF THEM
Not Tatiana “It sounds like you’ve made that up.”
Tatiana “It does sound like you’ve made that up.”
Jay explains the alley-oop in pretty normal and solid terms but finishes with “maybe slam dunk the funk…you’d have to be on course to make sure it was a guaranteed funk…that the funk was actually in the room.”
/Checks room in BiE Towers…sees no funk. There shall be no alley-oops in BiE Towers.
4.19 – “Hank it’s a strong name isn’t it? Hank Rivers.” – This is honestly the most incisive piece of analysis from anyone in this show. Credit goes to Not Tatiana.
4.23 – “Can we do a chest-bump?” No Jay, that’s not ok. Don’t go there. Don’t worry, he pulls back.
This work of art ends a little over 30 seconds later.
Now some of you may think I’m being a touch harsh here but I’m not exactly looking for anything major here. Literally 10 minutes on Google would have made this better, probably less. There are heaps of not-terrible shows on community media outlets run by volunteers with little in the way of formal training as,
I’m guessing, the trio here had. Yes they are volunteering but they are also providing a service, and hundreds of similar outlets manage to NOT make something so compellingly awful. THESE PEOPLE DO THIS FOR A LIVING AND COULDN’T GET IT RIGHT.
There is hope, Brian Collins of Boom Goes the Dynamite recovered and made it as a journalist. He worked, he researched, he practiced, he did it right.